Damien - 6 Weeks Young
This blog was actually supposed to be about the first 4 weeks of Damien’s life, but somehow time is flying by faster than I could ever imagine! I knew that motherhood would be a “challenge”, but that is a complete understatement…
As I write this blog, I’m sitting at a corner table with a caramel brulee latte and 3 vanilla mini scones, at a Starbucks just a few minutes away from my house. Wondering why I’ve chosen to eat crappy food and work on a blog right down the street from home? Because it’s the only moment I feel FREE to do whatever the hell I want! At home, I am constantly tending to the baby, feeding him, soothing him, playing with him, cleaning his room, washing his clothes, and planning his daily “schedule”. I can never relax or step out of “mommy mode”. Lorenzo and I had a routine where I would get two 2-hour breaks a day, but that barely gave me enough time to rush to a doctor’s appointment or go for a quick run and shower. Since I had to rush all the time, I could never relax or stop thinking about the baby and stuff I had to do at home. Starting today, we adjusted the schedule so we could both have a 4-hour break during the day (he’ll give Damien a bottle)... but you know what I realized? I’ll never truly have a 4-hour break since I still have to pump! Every 2 hours, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, I’ll be stuck to a baby or a pump, until I decide to stop breastfeeding. I am hoping to make it to a full year, but it’s a lot of work! I’ve identified myself as a milking cow, and my body is no longer my own. In fact, it hasn’t been my own for almost a year, ever since I got pregnant. And you know what? It’s ok.
It’s ok that I barely have time to pee or brush my teeth. It’s ok that I constantly have spit up on every shirt I wear or a little poop on my hands. It’s ok that I have anxiety whenever I’m at home, and Damien’s every little squeak makes my heart skip a beat. It’s ok that I’ve missed about a dozen holiday parties, birthday parties and outings just in the last month or so. And it’s ok that I’m still getting outrageous hospital bills from my very long labor and delivery at Kaiser. Do you know why it’s ok? Because I have Damien.
Damien has brought more than dirty diapers, sleepless nights, and sore nipples to my life. He’s brought me Purpose. Until he entered my life, my purpose was to have as much fun as possible, to work hard, grow my business, and to galavant the world (as many times as possible). Although that previous life was incredibly awesome, nothing could ever compare to how it feels to raise a tiny human. A tiny human who you carried and grew for 9 months of your life, and delivered into this world with extreme motivation and pain. Lorenzo and I spoke many times about whether or not we wanted to have children, and when we finally decided we wanted to, I knew our lives were going to change forever. Our lives would change from thinking about ourselves and our own satisfaction, to thinking about how to nurture and raise a mini version of ourselves to be the “best” superhuman possible. We would dedicate all our time and energy to feed the child the best we know how, help him experience all the adventures we love, and teach him not only to survive in this crazy world, but to thrive in it.
Have we done this so far? Hell no. We just barely survived the first 6 weeks! We are just finally getting more than 2 hours of uninterrupted sleep (now it’s about 3!), and we just finally figured out how to do all the basics of baby caring - from changing diapers, to feeding him properly, to giving him a bath, to putting him down for a nap, and so much more. I feel like every day is a survival day and there is something new we need to learn or figure out ASAP. We’re listening to audiobooks and podcasts every day to teach ourselves how to take care of this little guy, but no matter how much we study, this will never be easy. Some things will become easier (like when he sleeps longer at night), and then some things will become harder (like how the crying gets louder!). Parenting is by far the hardest job we’ve ever had in our lives, but it is also the most rewarding. After changing a stinky blow out, wrestling tiny limbs while putting on a long-sleeved onesie, and getting kicked in the gut more than a few times… Damien’s sweet little crooked smile makes our heart melt and all the stress goes away (at least temporarily).
They say that parenting never gets easier, but it does get more rewarding, which makes it all that much more worth it. As the baby becomes more able to interact with you, you start feeling even more connected with him, and in love with him. I see this happening with Lorenzo. Most Dad’s don’t feel as connected to newborns as the mother, since the mother is the one who carried him for 9 months, but that all changes as the newborn starts to age. I see the love in Lorenzo’s eyes when he sees Damien smile at him. I hear Lorenzo’s hearty laugh when he watches Damien stretch his limbs to the max. And I can feel Lorenzo’s heart ache when he hears Damien cry. During these two week of our holiday break, I have the blessing of watching Lorenzo bond with our baby boy and it makes me feel overwhelmed with emotions and love… an amount of love that I’ve never felt before. Damien has done more than bring laughter and memories to our lives, he has actually made our marriage stronger. We have more respect for one another, and more love for each other. And I can see this growing more and more as time goes on.
Some of my favorite memories with Damien so far are...
Seeing my son for the first time. The doctors told me to bring down my hands to feel him coming out, then brought him directly to my chest… I can’t tell you how much I cried in joy when I had him in my arms! That precious moment made all the pain and suffering of labor all worth it.
Nursing my baby. Even though the first couple weeks of breastfeeding were extremely painful (I had blisters and scabs), the feeling of being able to feed your baby with your own body is an incredibly empowering feeling. I love to watch him feed, as I know I’m giving him the best food possible. It wasn’t easy to learn how to breastfeed, and it’s still uncomfortable, but again, the pain is worth it.
Seeing Lorenzo hold Damien. When I married Lorenzo, I knew I wasn’t just marrying someone who was going to be a great husband, I was marrying someone who was going to be an excellent father. I had no doubt in my mind that Lorenzo would be amazing, and he is. Everytime I see Lorenzo hold and look at our baby, my heart melts. It makes me love him even more, every day!
Watching the sunset. At the end of the very first day we took Damien home, the 3 of us watched the sunset from our balcony. The sky was on fire and the clouds made the colors and textures of the sky even more incredible! It was a surreal moment, as it made me realize that for the first time in our lives, we were a family… The Dusseault Family.
Bath time. Even though bath time can be a little struggle, Damien seems to enjoy bath time and all the attention he gets from the two of us. The 1st time we bathed Damien, Lorenzo and I tried to bathe him on the floor of the shower, in a shower sling. We both sat on the shower floor, cramped as hell, trying to wash the baby… that was a circus! Talk about awkward positioning! The 2nd time we bathed him, we both sat inside the bathtub with Damien in a little tub… that was a circus as well! The 4th time, only I got into the tub and bathed Damien, which went ok, but when Lorenzo bathed him the 5th time, that went even better. And it was SO CUTE to watch Lorenzo bathe baby Damien! He’s so gentle and careful with the little guy :)
Carrying him in the ErgoBaby. Walking around with Damien in the ErgoBaby makes me feel pregnant again. I love carrying my baby in front of me, as it feels like he’s inside of me again. He’s so cuddly and snug and seems to love it just as much. I can almost feel him listening to my heartbeat, which makes me feel that much more connected to him. Besides my back aching, I love carrying Damien <3
Photoshoots. Damien did a newborn photoshoot when he was 8 days old and the pictures came out SO cute! Even though it was difficult getting him to stay in place and stay asleep, he did very well. I am so happy that we got some excellent pictures done when he was so young, I’ll treasure them forever :) Then when Damien was 5 weeks old, he did a professional photoshoot for a lady who designed a special baby towel. Both Lorenzo and I were in it as well, but of course Damien was the star. I can’t wait to see those pictures!
All the “Ooops!” moments. Besides all the cute moments, there are a lot of “Ooops!” moments with Damien. Like the time he pissed so high on the wall beside me that I could barely reach to clean it off. Or the time he shat on Lorenzo in the ErgoBaby and the poop stain looked like a big penis. I’m sure these are just a couple of the Ooops moments that we will experience in the years to come… and even though in the moment they are chaotic, looking back, they are funny as hell!
Introducing Damien to friends and family. I love seeing how my family and friends react when they meet the baby! Watching our family members holding their new relative for the first time is unforgettable. And observing how many of my friends with children immediately turn into “mommy mode” the minute they see the baby! Suddenly their voices turn up a few notches and they automatically start interacting with Damien as they would with their own child. It’s a completely different side of my friends that I’ve never seen before… this is how I know I’ve entered Mommy World!
So much has happened in the first 6 weeks, I can’t explain it all. All I can say is that the first few days were extremely difficult, but we were very fortunate to have a Night Doula to help us learn as much as possible in a very short amount of time. Then the following few weeks were also quite challenging, but again, we were very fortunate to have Lorenzo’s mother help us learn as well! The following week, we received guidance from my mother (which was a beautiful family bonding experience), and then we were on our own. Starting last week, Lorenzo and I have been caring for Damien 100% solo and we finally feel that we SORT OF have the swing of things. Even though it’s been challenging as new parents, we are learning a LOT very quickly… because we have to! I have to say that Lorenzo has greatly improved his parenting skills, which I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching, and I believe I have improved as well. I know this is the very beginning of a very long road ahead of us but… we are ready for the ADVENTURE!
